A view of the ocean from the peak on Hong Kong Island.

This is in Hong Kong. I spent three days and nights wandering the city barely speaking to a soul. Had a lot going on up there.

Don't dig down. Dig up, stupid!

I was going to change my last post. I was going to edit things from my life, pretend I never felt the way I did, pretend things that did happen never had, but I decided that I just couldn't do it. There's no way to change the past, so I'll learn to accept it. I can't punish myself for what's happened. I dug myself deeper and did some things I would never have done otherwise in the past few days, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I'm responsible for my actions, and I've always known that. I've been angry, I've been torturing myself, and I think I've decided that enough is enough. Believe it or not, I was actually in a good mood today! How messed up is that? Not a lost cause after all. So much has changed since my leaving Canada less than a couple of months ago. I've learned a lot about myself, but what's surprised me is that I've learned even more about the people I used to have around me. Mostly it's been for the better, but this distance has brought out a lot of vulnerabilities as well. I guess thoughts and feelings become all that much more important when there's nothing physically present anymore. Every word takes on a greater meaning because, well, that's all that there is. Nobody present, just a word or a series of words that signify everything. A fleeting memory and a few keystrokes to represent all that I am. Hold on to that memory, but keep an open mind if you can. Like I said, I'm done digging myself deeper. There's nothing left for me to find in this hole. I'm forgiving, and I'm doing all that I can to carry on. Life is too precious to dwell in solitude like I do. I loved you, and I know you loved me as well. It's never easy to lose something like that, but I have to move on. Time will heal the wounds. I refuse to let anything ruin the memory of a happy moment in my life. In the end, that's all you have.

Tiny windows

I am having a hard time finding the right words here. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Michelle and I are no longer. She did something that I don't know if I could be capable of forgiving, and there is a madness and a sadness entangled inside me. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to deal with any of this. Not so easy to let go, move past. Not so easy to pretend the past year of my life never existed. Because, she was it. She was my year. The love I felt was real, and regardless of what's happened that love was mine, and I suppose nobody can take that away. The abyss is too deep to let myself fall deeper. All I can do is carry on. Build myself an entirely new life, because being here, losing her, it doesn't feel like there's much of the old me left anymore. I still have some friends back home, and my family of course. What I need more than anything now though is to figure out how to make myself happy. Something other than love, because my heart will be too tender for a long time to come. I had to teach six classes today, after talking to michelle this morning, and then finding out that I have to leave the country this week to go to Hong Kong. The whole time all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. The kids made me smile though, and I'm so grateful for that. I needed it more than anything. I can get through this, I can be strong, though I've never been tested like this. I guess the thing to remember is that times like this help you appreciate the little things that much more, because sometimes that's all you have - a tiny window to bring a bit of light in an otherwise very dark room.

This is old, but here's one of me in the traditional Taiwanese photo pose.

This is downtown Kaohsiung.

A lovely view. The background is nice too.

A storm approaching on the island of Koh Chang.

This is a snippet of the remarkably intricate grand palace in Bangkok. Interesting shrubberies.

A tiny portion of the immense murals encompassing the entire grand palace in Bangkok.

Welcome to Thailand!

At the Red Lantern Festival on the Love River.

At the Cultural Centre in Kaohsiung.

The journey is lonely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

The Constant Struggle...

Well, I know it's a common complaint that I have a hard time keeping in touch with people, and it's a legitimate one. Don't ask me why, I think my mind is pretty messed up, that's the best I can offer. It's not because I don't feel like it's worth it, that much I can assure you. I miss my friends and family immensely. I'd say that I miss home, but it's been a long time since I've felt like I actually had one. I've been lost for a long time now. And so here I am in Taiwan, and it's been an adventure (though not the kind I would have hoped for), perhaps I'd be better off saying that it's been a trial. A serious test of my abilities to cope in difficult and stressful situations. I know it can always get worse, that's the nature of life (especially with my luck), but at the moment, I just don't see how it could be. Let's just hope that the old saying rings true for me, if it doesn't kill me, it should at least make me stronger. I will do my best to update this online journal of mine with the comings and goings of my life, maybe you can check up on me every now and then in return. Until we meet again. Be safe, be loved.