Tiny windows

I am having a hard time finding the right words here. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Michelle and I are no longer. She did something that I don't know if I could be capable of forgiving, and there is a madness and a sadness entangled inside me. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to deal with any of this. Not so easy to let go, move past. Not so easy to pretend the past year of my life never existed. Because, she was it. She was my year. The love I felt was real, and regardless of what's happened that love was mine, and I suppose nobody can take that away. The abyss is too deep to let myself fall deeper. All I can do is carry on. Build myself an entirely new life, because being here, losing her, it doesn't feel like there's much of the old me left anymore. I still have some friends back home, and my family of course. What I need more than anything now though is to figure out how to make myself happy. Something other than love, because my heart will be too tender for a long time to come. I had to teach six classes today, after talking to michelle this morning, and then finding out that I have to leave the country this week to go to Hong Kong. The whole time all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. The kids made me smile though, and I'm so grateful for that. I needed it more than anything. I can get through this, I can be strong, though I've never been tested like this. I guess the thing to remember is that times like this help you appreciate the little things that much more, because sometimes that's all you have - a tiny window to bring a bit of light in an otherwise very dark room.